Unnaturally Colored Hair

First, you get a sheep.

No, not really!

First, you decide what color you want. Go to a hippy store - In Flight, or anyplace that sells Grateful Dead paraphernalia and exotic looking "tobacco" pipes.

There are two brands of hair color I am familiar with: Punky Colors, and Manic Panic. They are little bottles or jars of sticky goo, and they come in *dozens* of colors! I prefer Punky Colors because it is a little cheaper, but some folks say Manic Panic lasts longer. YMMV.

Buy one

Next, decide how badly you are willing to damage your hair. You see, the more you bleach your hair, the brighter your new color will be. If you have naturally blonde hair, good for you. Those of us with brown hair need a little help.

I buy bleach at the grocery store, in the hair color aisle. Lady Clairol Ultra Blue, Clairol Born Blonde, and another one with a name like 'Super Ultra Mega Blonde' have worked well for me. They are designed to be followed by a 'toner', which gives you the shade of blonde you want. You don't need a toner - you have a jar of gooey blue (pink, red, green, purple, or orange) stuff at home.

Bleach!

Read the directions that come with the bleach. Plan to leave it in your hair about 50% longer than what it says, if you want light, light, almost white hair. I bleach my hair in two onslaughts, usually. The first 45-60 minutes gets it to a light orangy color. Since orangy hair makes cool-toned dyes look duller, I bleach my hair a second time to get it to a very pale yellow. You will see from reading the directions that the bleach is only active for a certain amount of time (about an hour). That's why I do it twice, rather than leaving it in my hair for 90 minutes, all at once.

It will itch. Terribly. This is normal. Go ahead and scrath your scalp - chopsticks are great for this, 'cause you don't have to get your fingers sticky.

Rinse. Towel dry. The instructions say to use the little packet of conditioner in the box. DO NOT put that conditioner in your hair after you bleach it! It will keep your hair from absorbing the dye.

Color!

Put on latex or vinyl gloves. This stuff will stain your skin for 2-3 days. Put the gooey stuff in your hair. Put on a lot. Be careful not to smear it on your forehead - it *really* stains. Pros recommend a tint brush, but my hair is short enough that I can get the dye pretty even just by using my fingers. Well, not always even - friends have commented on the spots I missed.

Anyways, leave it on for at least 30 minutes. An hour is better, as long as you don't have to be somewhere. You don't need to cover it with saran wrap or anything. Just don't lean back against the wall. When you are ready to rinse it out, use gloves. Do it in the shower/tub, 'cause if you do it in the sink, you are likely to end up with brightly colored spots all over the sink, mirror, wall, and toilet (if it's close enough to your sink). Rinse until the water is mostly clear. I say *mostly* because it takes forever to get it completely clear, and your dye will last longer if you don't wash it all out. Dry with DARK towel. You know - the one you use for the dog. The one that it doesn't matter if it has a big purple blotch in the middle of it.

You're done!

Enjoy your new color. It was a lot of work, but the touch-ups will be easier. You should only need to bleach your roots every 4-6 weeks, but you will probably need to apply more color ever week or two, depending on how often you wash your hair. Which reminds me - shampoo is now your enemy. Each time you wash your hair, you will see pretty colored water running down the drain. That is your hair color! You spent HOURS putting that on your head, and now you are washing it off? Stop That! Use shampoo every 2 or 3 days, and use conditioner on the days you don't shampoo. (not a lot of conditioner, though, 'cause it pulls out your color, too.)

updated May 27, 1996

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